20 New Stock Market Terms

1. Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

2. Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

3. Broker - Poorer than you were in 1999.

4. P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing.

5. Standard & Poor - Your life in a nutshell.

6. Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

7. Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake self for a financial genius.

8. Bear Market - A 6- to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

9. Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

10. Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

11. Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.

12. Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

13. Microsoft - A condition temporarily remedied by Viagra.

14. Cisco - Side kick of Poncho.

15. Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $540 per share.

16. Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $540 per share.

17. Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.

18. Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.

19. Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.

20. Alan Greenspan - God.