252 One Liners

1.   Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2.   There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

3.   The facts, although interesting, are totally irrelevant.

4.   The careful application of terror, IS a form of communication.

5.   Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

6.   Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.

7.   If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind for the blame.

8.   There is always one more SOB than you counted on.

9.   If you want a difficult job done the most economical and fastest way possible, give it to the laziest person in the department.

10.  Be kind, everyone you meet is your potential boss.

11.  This is as bad as it gets, but don't count on it.

12.  Happiness is merely the absence of pain.

13.  Sometimes too much to drink, is not enough.

14.  Second place is the first loser.

15.  Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

16.  If you think there is some good in everyone, you haven't met everyone.

17.  Ignorance should be painful or fatal.

18.  Keep a positive attitude.  It will not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

19.  If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply because they will stop making it.

20.  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

21.  You should work to live and not live to work.

22.  Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.

23.  Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.

24.  To live forever,  acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.

25.  The world      gets a little better each day, and worse in the evening.

26.  Defeat is worse than death.  You have to live with defeat.

27.  Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that everyone isn't after you.

28.  Just because you're a hypochondriac doesn't mean that you are not deathly ill.

29.  Never hit a man with glasses.  Use a baseball bat.

30.  Growing old beats the alternative.

31.  Vegetarians either love animals or they hate plants.

32.  Half the people you meet are dumber than average.

33.  Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.

34.  The sooner we make a schedule, the faster we can get behind.

35.  When all is said and done, more will be said than done.

36.  If at first you don't succeed, so much for skydiving.

37.  Remember that traffic lights timed for 35 MPH are also timed for 70 MPH.

38.  Why do irons have a permanent press setting?

39.  The pen might be mightier than the sword but in a duel, I'll take the sword.

40.  What's another word for Thesaurus?

41.  Taxation without representation...... might have been cheaper.

42.  Never forget the possibility for a miracle, while infinitely small, is not zero.

43.  If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

44.  I believe that anything worth doing would have been done already.

45.  Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you find a rock.

46.  I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

47.  There is not one shred of evidence that supports the theory that life is serious.

48.  If at first you do succeed, no one will believe how hard it really was.

49.  Why is abbreviation such a long word?

50.  Land mines are equal opportunity weapons.

51.  Why isn't phonetically spelled like it is pronounced?

52.  If you can keep you head when everyone else is losing theirs, you don't understand the situation.

53.  Teamwork is essential, it gives the boss someone else to blame.

54.  Don't take life too seriously, you wont come out of it alive.

55.  Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

56.  Time is the best teacher but it kills all its pupils.

57.  Why do we have Braille dots at drive up ATM's?

58.  When a smurf chokes, what color does he turn?

59.  Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

60.  The best way to accelerate a computer is at 32 feet per second squared.

61.  Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he will believe you.  Tell him a wall has wet paint and he will have to touch it to be sure.

62.  Logic is the systematic approach of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

63.  Why do we keep making more laws when we can't enforce the ones we have.

64.  Hard work will pay off in the future but laziness pays off now.

65.  Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

66.  He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

67.  I may not have a solution but I admire the problem.

68.  Be kind to your kids, they will pick your nursing home.

69.  Few women admit their age.  Few men act theirs.

70.  If life were logical, men would ride sidesaddle.

71.  A dollar saved is a dollar congress missed.

72.  A lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math.

73.  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

74.  Multitasking is screwing up several things at once.

75.  Learn from your parents mistakes, use birth control.

76.  Maintenance Free means you can't fix it when it breaks.

77.  My advice to worms,  Sleep late...

78.  Join the Army,  see the world.  Meet interesting new people, and kill them.

79.  The statistics on death never change.

80.  The person who says anything is possible, hasn't tried to dribble a football.

81.  Try explaining to your kids why the government spends 600 billion on nuclear weapons and then makes fireworks illegal.

82.  A friend in need.......  Is a pest..

83.  Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

84.  Bachelors should pay higher taxes.  It's not fair that some men are happier than others.

85.  A man doesn't know what true happiness is until he's married.........and then it's too late.

86.  Minds are like parachutes,  they work better when they are open.

87.  If practice makes perfect and no one's perfect, then why practice?

88.  Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.

89.  I owed the IRS $2400.00 dollars so I sent them 3 hammers and a toilet seat.

90.  I LOVE ANIMALS. ...............  They taste great.

91.  Bad people are sent to Washington by good people who don't vote..........

92.  The first myth of management is that it exists.

93.  Falling on your face is still moving forward...

94.  Diplomacy is telling someone they are open-minded when you mean they have a hole in their head.

95.  The boss is the person who figures out tomorrow why the things that were predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

96.  If nothing sticks to teflon, how do they get the teflon to stick to the pan?

97.  It takes a big man to cry.... and an even bigger man to laugh at him.

98.  Never try to teach a pig to sing.  It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

99.  I believe that all deadlines are unreasonable.   Regardless of the amount of time you are given.

100. EARTH FIRST...   We'll strip mine the rest of the planets later...

101. What is the Speed of dark?

102. How come you never hear about 'gruntled' employees.

103. How come cat food doesn't come in mouse flavor?

104. I love cats..... They taste just like chicken.

105. When in a battle, remember, tracers work both ways.

106. It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

107. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

108. Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!

109. When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.

110. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

111. If a book about failure doesn't sell, is it a success?

112. All cemetery workers work the graveyard shift.

113. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

114. Is it possible to be totally partial?

115. When you can picture in your mind a peaceful world without war and hate, then picture usattacking that world because they would never expect it.

116. REHAB. . . . . . Is for quitters.

117. Some people are alive only because murder is illegal.

118. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

119. I have an inferiority complex. . .  but it's not a very good one. . .

120. Why are we worried about the Chinese bribing members of congress? We've been giving them money for years and they've never done anything for us!

121. If you throw a cat out of a moving car window does it become kitty litter?

122. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

123. If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

124. How did a fool and his money GET together?

125  How do they get deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

126. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

127. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

128.  Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

129. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

130. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

131. If a cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

132. Even if the voices you here are not real, they may have some good ideas.

133. Bad cop! No donut!

134. Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.

135. It's not that life is too short it's just that we're dead for such a long time.

136. I miss my ex. Perhaps adjusting the sights would improve my aim....

137. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

138. Does it bother you that what a doctor does is called 'practice'?

139. Money may not buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to take.

140. Deja Moo  -  The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

141. Why is there only 1 monopolies commission?

142. If a man talks to God it's praying but if God talks to a man, he's schizophrenic.

143. The 2 most common elements in the universe are HYDROGEN and STUPIDITY.

144. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

145. "Back up my hard drive??  How do you put it in reverse??"

146. Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some people just don't have the film.

147. Those who live by the sword. . . .  Get shot by those who don't.

148. He's not dead.  He's electroencephalographically challenged.

149. Pardon my driving,  I'm reloading.

150. Lightning may not strike twice, but isn't once enough?

151. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

152. If at first you don't succeed. . . .Destroy all evidence that you tried.

153. You never REALLY learn to pray until your kids learn to drive.

154. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it a hostage situation??

155. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow?  Only be troubled and insecure??

156. TOO many idiots,  Not enough comets.

157. A single fact can ruin a perfectly good argument.

158. Democracy:  3 wolves and a sheep deciding on what's for lunch.

159. Ignorance is curable.  Stupidity is permanent.

160.  Has the woman who keeps saying "There is nothing more disgusting than annoying static cling" ever given mouth-to-mouth to an elk?

161. Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and a great big bag of money!

162. When sign makers go on strike, do they carry blank signs?

163. You know you live in Arizona when you no longer associate bridges and rivers with water.

164. I know I married Miss Right. . . .  I just didn't know her first name was Always. .

165. It's not true that married men live longer than single men.  It just seems longer.

166. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. . .  I don't like to interrupt her.

167. Half the people in the world don't have the sense that God gave a rock. . . . .  The other half do.

168. TWO RULES FOR LIFE:

     (1).  Don't tell people everything you know. 

     (2)______________________

169. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy

170. If bankers can count, how come they all have 8 windows and only 4 tellers?

171. Is it my imagination or do Buffalo Wings taste like chicken?

172. I AM ONE WITH THE UNIVERSE. . . . .  On a scale of 1 to 10.

173. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

174. SUPPORT BACTERIA!!  It's the only culture some people have.

175. The light at the end of the tunnel. . . .  is probably a muzzle flash.

176. One nation, under God, with Liberty, large fries and a Coke to go. ..

177. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

178. I INTEND TO LIVE FOREVER!  So far , so good.

179. I love defenseless animals. . . . . . .  Especially in a good gravy.

180. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

181. I have a mind like a steel trap. . . .   Rusty and illegal in 37 states.

182. The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.

183. If at first you don't succeed, try again.  Then quit!  No sense in being a fool about it.

184. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.  If you are really good, you will get out of it.

185. If you don't like my driving, Don't call anyone!  Just take another road.  That's why there are so many.

186. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.  They also punch, kick, and bite harder too.

187. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

188. Drink till she's cute but stop before the wedding.

189. Follow your dream!!  (Unless it's the one where you're at working your underwear during a fire drill.

190. Just remember, you've got to break a few eggs. . . to really make a mess on the neighbors car.

191. Since the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound, is that  why some people appear to be bright until you hear them speak?

192. Why do you press twice as hard on a remote control when you think the battery is dead?

193. Why do VCR remote controls have an eject button???

194. If "con" is the opposite of "pro", what is the opposite of "progress"?

195. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

196. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

197. When you call a Psychic hotline, why do they let the phone ring?

198. Why do Psychics have to ask you your name?

199. FOR SALE:  Parachute.  Only used once, never opened, small stain.

200. When rats leave a sinking ship, where do they think they are going?

201. Save the Whales!  Collect the whole set.

202. A Day without sunshine is like. . . . .  night.

203. When the chips are down,  the buffalo is empty.

204. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

205. You have the right to remain silent.  Any thing you say will be misquoted and used against you.

206. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

207. I just got lost in thought.   It was unfamiliar territory.

208. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

209. 2 Wrongs. . . . .  are just the beginning.

210. Some people say I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.

211. The worlds full of apathy, but I don't care.

212. What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?

213. Women and Cats do as they please and men and dogs should get used to the idea.

214. The scientific name for an animal that neither runs from or fights its enemies is. . .lunch

215. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

216. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

217. If you go to a bookstore and ask the clerk where the self-help section is,   Should she tell you??

218. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

219. Whose cruel idea was it to have the word Lisp with an 's' in it?

220. Don't drink and drive.  You might hit a bump and spill it.

221. Don't drink and park.   Accidents cause people.

222. If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.

223. I used to think I was indecisive but now I'm not too sure.

224. Reality is a figment of your imagination.

225. I can handle pain . . .  Until it hurts.

226. Tell me twice, I'm schizophrenic.

227. Millions of years ago, man climbed out of slime.  Do you want to join the party?

228. Gravity is a myth.  The earth sucks.

229. Why should I grow up?  This is more fun.

230. I've crossed and re-crossed the line between sanity and madness so many times that I have            nearly rubbed it out.

231. Just plead the fifth,  or drink it, whatever. . .

232. It's your right to be stupid but it doesn't mean you should be.

233. Have a nice day. . .  SOMEWHERE ELSE.

234. No matter how bad a situation, if you can't laugh at it, you are in deep sh*t.

235. For some people to get an idea, it would be a surgical process.

236. Honesty is the best policy but Insanity is a better defense.

237. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

238. Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route.

239. Laugh at your problems, everyone else does.

240. If you don't care where you are. . .  You aren't lost.

241. To err is human.  To err and blame the computer is even more human. It's downright natural.

242. All computers wait at the same speed.

243. To spot the expert, see who gives the longest time at the highest cost.

244. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

245. The gene pool. . . .  could use some chlorine.

246. A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other device in the history of civilization with the possible exception of Handguns and Tequila.

247. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me!

248. What can be said about Democrats that hasn't already been said of   hemorrhoids?

249. This SH*&T would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.

250. I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to do.

251. Politics - From the words POLY meaning many and the word TICKS meaning small bloodsucking parasites.

252. I think we met in a past life and you were a dipstick then too.

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