1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If you've managed to lift it up, gravity is on your side when it comes to putting it back down.
2. Sometimes, we are not thinking about having sex.
3. "I ate it, didn't I?" is not considered praise.
4. Your responsibility for raising children does NOT end at conception.
5. Get rid of your comb-over. It's not different -- it's just as ridiculous as every other comb over. You're losing your hair -- face it.
6. An order of takeout ribs and a Chris Farley movie is not everybody's idea of a good time.
7. "Yeah yeah, you look fine" is not a compliment.
8. Yes, I DO tell my best friend everything.
9. You have enough ballcaps.
10. You have too many t-shirts.
11. You're too old to wear a goatee.
12. Every actor we find attractive is not gay. You can stop using this one -- we've all heard it.
13. A hug is not always a prelude to sex.
14. When we ask "are you listening," we already know you're not.
15. Your best friend is an idiot.
16. Nothing says "I love you" like offering to go to the grocery store.
17. If you can rebuild the carburetor on a '66 Mustang, working the washing machine should be a snap.
18. Yes and no are sometimes acceptable answers -- grunts and blank stares are not.
19. A sore back that prevents you from doing household chores for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
20. Underwear is like a car. After five years, it needs to be replaced with a newer model.
21. A romantic weekend getaway does not involve baiting a hook.
22. Slapping us on the butt and saying "how bout getting me a cold one" is not foreplay.
23. The missionary position is best left to missionaries.
24. Rolling over and mumbling "I've got to get some sleep" does not produce an afterglow.
25. If it was really good for me...you wouldn't have to ask.
Return to our
Page