1. Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
- Richard Lewis2. My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.
- David Steinberg3. I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays.
- Henny Youngman4. Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
- Mel Brooks5. The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.
- Jules Farber6. Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.
- Lenny Bruce7. God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change?
- Shalom Aleichem8. The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
- Calvin Trillin9. Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
- Golda Meir10. Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.
- Peter Malkin11. Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
- Fran Lebowitz12. My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
- Benjamin Disreali13. It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
- Sam Levenson14. Don't be humble; you are not that great.
- Golda Meir15. God will pardon me. It's His business.
-Heinrich Heine16. I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
- Joe E. Lewis17. Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors. A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
- Sam Goldwyn18. Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money.
- Arthur Miller19. I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
- Jackie Mason20. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
- Woody Allen21. Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?
- Groucho Marx22. Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
- Groucho Marx23. A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
- Oscar Levant24. Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
- George Burns25. Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
- Mort Sahl26. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
- Milton Berle27. Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest things in the nicest way.
- (uncredited)28. I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
- Sam Goldwyn29. Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
- Ernie Kovacs30. With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink.
- George Burns31. When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
- Henry Kissinger
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