Original memes from the Tokyo underground
by Todd Boyle

At present, Tokyo commuters are on the threshhold of a biological revolution more profound since the first multicelled organisms appeared 3 billion years ago. To wit, the human race is morphing into a new form of life where humans will congeal into a single protoplasm, encapsulated in steel tubes. Dig, single-cell, multi-cell, multi-human evolution...

We will all become one undifferentiated consciousness. In the mean time though, there seem to be some momentary problems with distribution of oxygen, disposal of heat and CO² etc. but clearly we're on the way. Only a few gropers and pickpockets are holding us back.

The doorway between conventional reality and the new lifeform also is a bit rough. At my station, the trains were 10 to 12 cars, every 3 minutes in rush hour. Each train has 2000 to 2500 people. Getting into the train takes effort, sometimes. There are 6 or 8 college students on the platform to assist jamming people into the cars... I lived 14 years and rode the trains from this station. 20 stations down the line was Shinjuku, the busiest station in the world, 3 million people transit that single station, every day. Much more than Tokyo station. Soylent Green was filmed there.

The purpose of this article is to share some tips and techniques for travelling in rush hour:

--Getting into a full car

Normally you will wait for the surge of people ejected from the car, when the doors open. Timing is essential to get in front of the usual rugby scrum, so that the few tens of people pushing into the car will jam you in. You have 1/2 second, to choose who you want to be jammed into, for the next 45 minutes; a young lady, a middle-aged salaryman...

There are two problems with the Scrum approach.

1. Some days there is no sufficient number of rammers behind you or they're all playing the same game, so you must enter without assistance, or,

2. You're coming out the same door and don't want to be rammed deep into the crowd.

So you're looking at a solid packed wall of people, struggling to hold themselves in the train by holding the edges of the doorframe.

Squat deeply. Put your ass or lower back into somebody's knees in center of the door who cannot reach the side frame. Do a full leg press, which should be good for at least 100-150 KG of force for most people. This will pop one or two people out of the car. If you act quickly, with split second timing and relentless purpose, you can get into the car at that moment.

--Getting some space in the car

When jammed into the car you usually cannot move your arms or legs. You cannot blow your nose or scratch. Don't panic. Get used to it. However, there are times when the pressure can be so severe it can be harmful to internal organs or skeletal muscles, etc.

The first and best tactic if you're really serious about this, is move to the center spaces far from the doors. There is almost always more space in there. Keep driving in that direction and after a few stations, you'll get one or two meters into the car, which is a big improvement.

More realistically, however, the pressure will sometimes require urgent measures. Rotating the body really helps. First, decide which direction you can get the most leverage, and rotate firmly. Somebody else is going to have some problems, probably... but do it anyway. Obviously you can't just "twist" yourself, you have to tiptoe, let the other people drop down off you, then you can rotate and drop yourself in like a peg, rotating maybe 60 degrees at a time.

Those of you who have never lived in Tokyo, can best imagine this by jamming a screwdriver into the end of a wet two-by-four. It is pretty tight, isn't it? Well, twist the screwdriver a few times, then. The natural structure of a well-packed subway car in Tokyo is similar to the hexagonal structure of a beehive. Humans are slightly wider than they are deep, thus the crowd will be packed into alternating ranks of ovals, jammed like hexagons. On a full train in Tokyo, everybody is facing in the same direction. This is all well and good. HOWEVER. When the pressure is so great you cannot breathe, you gotta break with the crowd and put your shoulders AGAINST the dimension of greatest pressure instead of allowing it to smash you flat. This usually puts your shoulders against two people's thoraxes making them unable to breath but, hey, we didn't create this stupid system...

--Carpe diem

Seize the moment of most favorable momentum to make any changes in space allocations. When the car is swaying against you, you cannot possibly get any leverage. However, there is nothing you cannot accomplish when the train sways the right way --Lao Tzu. Give me a fulcrum and I will move the earth, Archimedes.... Well, er, something like that... When the train rocks in the right direction you can tip over the whole crowd, make them all compress against the other side of the car.

--Equipment

Nothing can really eliminate the boredom of riding the subways 2 hours a day. I have tried meditation, isometrics, yoga. Singing. Drinking.

The best type of equipment isn't commonly available yet, but I expect it will be some type of carbon-fibre cannister which can provide a hard shell against the pressure of the crowd, combined with a helmet of some type to provide ventilation and Virtual Reality goggles.

This shell ought to provide 3 to 6 inches of wiggle space inside, with a little power unit for the fans and electronics. All you really need is some dehumidifier and carbon filter, to filter out the obnoxious smells of hung-over salary men, perfumed office ladies, the farts and B.O. The repulsive, heaving masses of people. The lint, the fleas, the dandruff.

The VR goggles will be real important however; people on the subways have been known to go into catatonic stupors and need extended care in sanatoria. This can descend on you any time. At the end of the line, after the herds of people exit, they carry off the casualties with stretchers.

Anyways, I'm not sure but maybe these commuter's cannisters mey need to have a cable and hook, to hang from the handrails inside the cars. At that point you could have a seat inside and that would REALLY help...

People might get kind of hostile at times, so we might need electrodes around the outside, connected to some type of Taser or cattle prod device, for self defense.

There used to be concessions in front of Shinjuku station, selling cattle prods but they have disappeared lately. At least we don't sell guns and ammunition from vending machines, like they do in New York. Tokyo is a civilized place, man.

--coping behaviors

Preparing for traintime is easy in Japan. Visit my fat friends, those loyal and cheerie beer machines. These friends who never say no, and always give immediate service with a smile....

Just being a foreigner in Japan gives you a uniquely obnoxious smell. Americans are totally unaware of this. The locals aren't really too aware of, but which definitely pushes their buttons at times. It's the pheromones or something. We smell like goats.

I've never forgotten the Sha Na Na set in the movie Woodstock, in which the leader of the band was a complete greaser, with greased back hair, and flung sweaty grease from his comb on the crowd after combing his hair.

In summer, when the heat is at its most extreme, and in memory of my lost cultural heritage, will take off my shirt, put head under the faucet, and get soaking wet before entering the train. This cools you down and people give you more space.

--confessions of a door hugger

Yes, I confess. I am a door hugger, dedicated to being the last person into the train, in order to be first out of the train, never second.

After years of experience you can sense the last possible millisecond, before the doors close, to get into the train. Time slows down. In a dance, tens of people maneuver for that last position. Our eyes fixed on each other's midsections. Maneuver, and nuance. It's incredible and alive.

--A good use for dufuses

One morning into Shibuya on the Inokashira line, which is notorious for its obsolete cars with windows that don't open, the last salaryman into the car got stuck with half of his jacket hanging out the car; just enough to keep the door from closing the last 1/2 inch. I was jammed right in there and happened to notice the oxygen was REALLY a lot better there, hence the idea was born to shim the door at the last moment.

At first, I used other dufuses similar to the above salaryman but then the idea occurred to me, to just bring a magazine or other shim. The trouble is, it's hard to get these dufuses positioned in the door just the right thickness to get the oxygen, without setting off the door alarm.

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One final indulgence (grin) I advocate a new law for vehicle licensing. Every owner would have two choices;

1. The tailpipe must be installed in front of the car, with even distribution around the whole slipstream rather than the bottom, side, etc.

 or,

2. The vehicle must be equipped with running boards, handrails, and safety belts, and adhere to certain lower speed limits, and be required to pick up riders for free, upon demand.

Todd Boyle CPA read this: www.gldialtone.com/cars.htm