Ireland for Beginners

Pub etiquette

The crucial thing here is the "round" system, in which each participant takes turns to "shout" an order. To the outsider, this may appear casual; you will not necessarily be told it's your round and other participants may appear only too happy to substitute for you.But make no mistake, your failure to "put your hand in your pocket" will be noticed.People will mention it the moment you leave the room. The reputation of not being someone who "stands his round" will follow you to the grave, where after it will attach to your offspring and possibly theirs as well. In some cases, it may become permanently enshrined in a family nickname.

Varieties of Irishmen

Irishmen come in an infinite array of varieties, the phlegmatic midlander, the cute Cork hoor, the mean (pronounced "mayne") Cavan bastard (pronounced "bawshtawrd") and the Dublin jackeen, or less politely gurrier, and the endlessly disputatious Taigs and Jaffas (it's not recommended to use the latter two terms in the presence of a Jaffa or Taig). The cute Cork hoor is driven by a deeply rooted, but mistaken belief that he is more devious than the rest of us -- which is why he ends up standing the most rounds -- this makes him a useful person to have around when your not sure whose "shout" it is, unfortunately too many shouts tend to lead to his singing my "oownnnn lowvely Lee" -- promises to sing another song are usually in vain, as this is the only one the cute hoor really knows, for example he may sing "gerushalem, gerushalem by the banks of my own lovely Lee . . . . ." The truth of courseq is that it is Kerry men that are the cute hoors, hence their well known ability to enter a revolving door behind a Corkman and come out in front, unless there's a gang of gurriers, Jaffas or Taigs in waiting beyond. However, the suggestion that the definition of an Irishman is any man who will "crawl across twenty naked women to get to a pint of Guinness" is a vile cultural slur; sure we'd have them bring us the pint.

Woolly jumpers

Ireland produces vast quantities of woollen knitwear and, under a US/Irish trade agreement, American visitors may not return to the States without a minimum of two sweaters, of which one at least must be predominantly green. Airline staff may check that you have the required documentation before you are allowed to disembark. Note under no circumstances will you see an Irish person wearing a woollen jumper. These jumpers are worn solely by Americans to identify them to muggers, thieves and knackers and the occasional gurrier (who usually settles for embarrassing you by saying something like "jaynee, didja ever see the cut of that eedgit.")

Irish people and the weather

It is often said that the Irish are a Mediterranean people who only come into their own when the sun shines on consecutive days (which it last did around the time of St Patrick). For this reason, Irish people dress for conditions in Palermo rather than Dublin; and it is not unusual in March to see young people sipping cool beer outside city pubs and cafes, enjoying the air and the soft caress of hailstones on their skin. The Irish attitude to weather is the ultimate triumph of optimism over experience Every time it rains, we look up at the sky and are shocked and betrayed.Then we go out and buy a new umbrella.

Time

Ireland has two time-zones (1) Greenwich Mean Time and (2) "local" time. Local time can be anything between ten minutes and three days behind GMT,depending on the position of the earth and the whereabouts of the man with the keys to the hall. Again, the Irish concept of time has been influenced by the thinking of 20th century physicists, who hold that it can only be measured by reference to another body and can even be affected by factors of acceleration. For instance, a policeman entering a licensed premises in rural Ireland late at night is a good example of another body from whom it can be reliably inferred that it is fact closing time. When this happens, acceleration is the advised option. Shockingly, the relativity argument is still not accepted as a valid defence in the Irish courts.

Irish Dancing

There are two main kinds of Irish dancing (1) Riverdance, which is now simultaneously running in every major city in the world except Ulan Bator and which some economists believe is responsible for the Irish economic boom; and (2) real Irish dancing, in which men do not wear frilly blouses and you still may not express yourself, except in a written note to the adjudicators. The wearing of the green, strangely enough, Irish people tend to wear everything except green, which is associated with too many national tragedies, including 1798, the Famine and the current Irish soccer team. It's possible that green just doesn't suit the Irish skin colour, which is generally pale blue (see Weather).

Gaelic games

St Patrick's Day brings the climax of the club championships in Gaelic games, which combine elements of the American sports of gridiron and baseball but are played with an intensity more associated with Mafia turf wars. The two main games are "football" and "hurling", the chief difference being that in football, the fights are unarmed. There is also "camogie" which is like hurling and a catfight, which means that in fights the hair may be pulled as well. The definitions of hurling as "the fastest game on earth" was first issued by a Cork man to an American tourist when he said "it's like a cross between ice hockey and murder"

Schools rugby

St Patrick's Day also brings the finals in schools rugby, a game based around the skills of wrestling, kicking, gouging, ear-biting, and assaults on other vulnerable body parts. The game is much prized in Ireland's better schools, where it's seen as an ideal grounding for careers in business and the law.

Irish fauna

It is well-known that St Patrick banished the snakes from Ireland. Less publicised is that he also banished kangaroos, polar bears and Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs, all of which were regarded as nuisances by the early Irish Christians.

Sign posting

In most countries, road signs are used to help motorists get from one place to another. In Ireland, it's not so simple. Sign posting here is heavily influenced by Einstein's theories (either that or the other way round)of space/time, and works on the basis that there is no fixed reference point in the universe, or not west of Mullingar anyway. Instead, location and distance may be different for every observer and, frequently, for neighbouring road-signs. The good news is Language. Ireland is officially bilingual, a fact which is reflected in the road-signs. This allows you to get lost in both Irish and English.

Clothes

Visitors to Ireland in mid-March often ask What clothes should I bring? The answer is All of them!

 Monuments

Almost all the monuments in Dublin are old, very old. This is because the local pols have found that their poor taste combined with the mordant wit of the Jackeen can make erecting any monument a source of perpetual embarrassment, for example the statue of Molly Malone came to be known as the "tart with the cart," no doubt due to her pulchritude and low neckline, the statue of ana liva recumbent in a fountain was variously know as the "floozie in the jacuuzi" or, as rubbish collected in the fountain "the hoor in the sewer," while a clock to commemorating the supposed thousandth year of Dublin's existence of a city (it's older surely) which was placed in the bed of the Liffey was known as the "time in the slime." However, recently in a fit of bravado, the city pols have decided to erect a millennium column, spike or spire in the middle of the city . . . .words may fail you, they won't fail the jackeens . . .

Religion

Ireland remains a deeply religious country, with the two main denominations being "us" and "them". In the unlikely event you are asked which group you belong to, the correct answer is "I'm an atheist, thank God". Then change the subject.