Page Jokes for St. Paddy's Day
As one of our favorite days approaches, it may do us well to memorize and prepare to deliver some Irish humor for the lads on March 17:
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the money and the GUNS!!!!!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any money or guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was "Just plant your potatoes."
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Four reasons we know Jesus was Irish...
1. He lived at home until he was thirty.
2. Just before he died, he went out drinking with his buddies.
3. His mother thought he was God.
4. He thought his mother was a virgin.
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Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service, as he always does, when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news," replied Mary.
"Well what would that be now, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, Father... he passed away last night."
"Oh, Mary," said the priest, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did, Father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.."
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Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark.
"Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!"
"Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?"
"No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"
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Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked.
"Well, didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus.
"Ah, praise the Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!
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A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."
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Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten.
Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.
As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'".
Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?".
To that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil, ya' damned old fool".
To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."
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Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill repute in Boston.
A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the left, looked to right, and ducked into the house. Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said, "Mike... will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!".
A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and scurried into the house. Mike laid down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what I'm seeing? A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!"
Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house. Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says, "Faith, and there must be somebody sick in there."
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One day an Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman all entered an Irish pub. Being men of good taste, they each order a pint of Guinness.
Just as the barkeep places their perfect pints before each of the three men, three flies to match the three men land in their pints...
The Englishman, picks the fly out and his stomach would not put up with such things. He pushes his pint back towards the bar and leaves.
The Scotsman being a bit more hardy, looked at his pint for a moment, picked the fly out and tossed it, then proceeded to drink his pint...
The Irishman caused a commotion, as he was seen slapping the fly on its back over his pint yelling out at it... 'Spit it out! Spit it out ya bastard! That's my pint'.
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Q) What's the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?
A) One less drunk.
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Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
To which the second guy replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"
They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first guy says "Lads, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."She wept and covered her face with her apron and| after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"
"I don't think so," said the for man, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."
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One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him.
I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
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The Irish Toast
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, Sitting in church beside me wife."
Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled eeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
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