What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
___________________________What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
___________________________Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
___________________________What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
__________________________What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
___________________________What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
___________________________What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
___________________________Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
___________________________What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
___________________________Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
___________________________Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
___________________________What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
___________________________What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.
___________________________If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
___________________________Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
___________________________It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
___________________________A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
___________________________You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
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Added Aug. 11, 1998