New Mental Health Institute Voice Mail

The transcript of the new Voice Mail service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute:

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

-- if you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

-- if you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you now.

-- if you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

-- if you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

-- if you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

-- if you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

-- if you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no one will answer anyway.

-- if you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

-- if you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the star and pound keys until a representative comes on the line.

-- if you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

-- if you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

-- if you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

-- if you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

-- if you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

-- if you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

-- if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.

-- press the star sign if you would like to wish upon one.

Thank you and have a nice day."

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