NORTH KOREA'S FIRST ASTRONAUT IS RELUCTANT TO BEST JOHN GLENN

(Richmond Times-Dispatch; 11/01/98)

   I have been looking everywhere you can look  without wings for Bill Dana, the Kennedy- era comedian who portrayed the reluctant astronaut, JoseJiminez.  I regret that I cannot find Dana, with whom   I'd enjoy spending this weekend. But I have located an astronaut from North Korea, Kim Il Fated, who is  preparing to ride the first rocket from Pyongyang into space.  I recently interviewed him in streaming ho video over the World Wide Web.

        Q. Good morning, astronaut Kim.

        A. Good morning.

        Q. I see that the missile your country fired over the territory of Japan turned out to be the first stage of a rocket that launched a tiny satellite into orbit. North Korea is in the Space Age.  Do you think it will be very long before the Democratic People's Republic of Korea sends you into orbit?

        A. I hope so.

        Q. Ah, another modest hero. We in America are as proud as peacocks that our first orbiting astronaut, John Glenn, is back in space at age 77. What do you  think about that?

        A. I think he should come over here and take my place.

        Q. I think we're making news here.  An international exchange of astronauts.  John Glenn would go to Pyongyang.  You would come to Houston?

        A. John Glenn would come to Pyongyang.  I would leave Pyongyang.

        Q. Let me ask you about your background. How old are you?

        A. I am 78.

        Q. I see, so you would surpass John Glenn's record as the oldest man in space.

        A. Oh, I'd rather not.

        Q. But you would be the oldest living astronaut.

        A. The quarrel I have with that sentence is the word "living."

        Q. Let me ask you this:   Do you regard your flight as a reward for years of  faithful service to the party?

        A. Surely you jest.

        Q. Well, you know, in America we do reward our politicians for a lifetime of achievement in the public interest by blasting them into Earth orbit.

        A. Riiiiight.

        Q. And so in your case, as I understand it, you have been a dedicated member of the Communist party and a loyal member of the Politburo and faithful  adherent to the teachings of the Great Leader, the late Kim Il Sung, and his  son, the Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il.

        A. Riiight.

        Q. Could you tell us - Inter ho net surfers in America and around the world - just what you did to deserve becoming the first astronaut in the Democratic People's Republic of  Korea?

        A. I tried to leave.

        Q. Oh, I see. You wanted to enter the foreign service and represent your country's interests abroad?

        A. I wanted to escape and they caught me. The Dear Leader said 'Ah, so you want to get out. I have the perfect mode of transportation for you.'

        Q. Wait a minute. When you return to Earth, won't there be a big national celebration and lots of people marching in the square with those big flags?

        A. I don't want to quibble, but I haven't heard anything about the return  trip.

        Q. Well, don't be discouraged. We're told North Korea's space program is now  just about at the stage America's was in the 1950s when Glenn became an  astronaut.  Do you have anything you would like to say now to Sen. Glenn?

        A. Send me the monkey.