Practical Advice for Today's Good Samaritan
by Tom Coyner
October 2000Recently I had a dinner conversation with a deeply religious friend. We got talking about his experiences working with people in desperate need in Singapore and in Australia. These are people who had drug, alcohol and/or extreme financial problems. In the course of some 5 years of experience as a modern Good Samaritan he has learned some practical lessons. They are as follows:
1. When helping someone in extreme need, remember that you are an amateur aid provider. You may be in fact the only person who can help the other person at that moment but a professional aid provider is better equipped in terms of resources and training/experience in how to give assistance. Recognizing your limitations, which are likely to be greater than you may realize, consider getting the professionals involved as soon as possible.
2. One of the toughest - and most important - points to keep in mind is that the people you are helping are NOT your friends - or, at least, they are not yet your friends. These are people whom you would not have befriended under normal circumstances and simply by your helping them in extreme circumstances does not justify developing a genuine friendship. Perhaps after the needy person gets his or her act together and is functioning as a normal person in society, then your relationship may mature into a true friendship. Until that time, you must protect yourself with a kind of "professional aid giver distance."
3. People in extreme need will in fact use you, your family members and anyone who comes their way - often in a shockingly cynical manner - since these people are living on the edge. Therefore, if you cannot get professional assistance and decide to get involve, think twice before you expose others to these hardship people.
4. The needy are in fact looking for friendship but often in an extreme sense of the word. They can - and often will - suck you dry emotionally, physically, psychologically and even financially if you give them the chance. If you are a priest, you can be a bit more reckless but as a family member you can be drawn into an extreme dependency relationship which can damage your other healthy relationships with your family members, friends and colleagues. And, as much as you may be able to rationalize your extreme, if temporary, involvement in a need case, you will get approximately zero empathy over time from those with whom you have a normal relationship.
5. At the end of each episode, you may wonder if you did any good and whether you should try to help the next person. These are legitimate questions that should be fully explored - even if you know already you will try to help the next person that comes your way. However, you will better serve yourself and the next person in need if you consider how you may have done a better job in the previous cases in terms of not only material assistance but how you managed yourself psychologically and how well you got other people involved.