Response to Revocation of Independence

To: Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

From: William Jefferson Clinton
President, United States of America

Re: Offer of Revocation of Independence

Cc: Albert Gore, Vice President, United States of America
George W. Bush, Governor, Texas
Bill Gates, Chairman, Microsoft Corporation

Your Majesty,

Thank you for your kind offer to revoke our independence. It is comforting to know that our former colonial masters are thinking of our well being during our recent time of trouble. This is a welcomed change from your behavior when you were last running things over here.

As kind as the offer is, I must respectfully decline. It would not be in the best interest of the United States, or my personal legacy, for us to be once again ruled by a nation whose top culinary achievement is fish 'n chips.

Instead, I wish to inform you that the United States is undertaking a leveraged buyout of the British Isles. This takeover is being done with the help of our good friends at the Microsoft Corporation. It is part of a settlement of the recent anti-trust lawsuit whose appeals would otherwise have dragged on for much of the century.

After the completion of the buyout, the United States will take possession of the United Kingdom and Ireland. As your new overlords, we will then undertake the following actions:

1. The government will be dissolved. Ireland and England will be given non-voting representation in the U.S. Congress, a status on par with Puerto Rico, Guam, the District of Columbia...and, in case you forgot, the American Colonies in Parliament.

2. Scotland will hereby be known as "Gatesland." Kilts will be outlawed.

3. Loch Ness will be drained so we can finally figure out what the hell is down there.

4. The monarchy will be immediately abolished and all royal properties and possessions sold at auction. You and your family will have to actually work for a living.

5. Northern Ireland will be physically cut out of the British Isles using satellite-based lasers developed for the Star Wars program. The Atlantic fleet will then tow the new island to a location 50 miles due north of Iceland, where it will remain until such time as its leaders learn to get along.

6. Baseball and football will replace cricket and "football." Cricket is too confusing, and you guys were never very good at "football," anyway. I mean, it's your national sport, and the last time you won the World Cup was in what...1966? We won one last year.

7. You will start driving on the right side of the road. The change will take place at exactly 725 a.m. on the first non-holiday Monday following the takeover. You are not to make the change even a minute earlier, nor a minute later.

8. You will immediately revert to American spelling and measurements. Program has one "m," color no "u," and double quotation marks are required unless it's a quote within a quote. To assist, we will issue everyone a copy of "Elements of Style." There will be a quiz in 6 months. Metric measurements are hereby abolished. Thirty-five degrees just does not sound very hot; 95 degrees does. Not that it ever gets that warm over there.

9. The Spice Girls will be arrested and imprisoned in the Tower of London. A new all-American lineup will feature:

Hot Spice Jennifer Lopez
Domestic Goddess Spice Roseanne Barr
Brainy Spice Cindy Crawford
Anorexic Spice Calista Flockhart
Irritating Spice Dennis Rodman

10. All UK evening news programs will be presented by Daljit Dhaliwal. In a bikini.

11. The American and British armed forces will begin immediate preparations for a new invasion of Normandy. Our war slogan will be "Free France from the French!" That'll teach 'em to be snooty to us.

Negotiations will begin immediately. If you cooperate, things will go very smoothly. If not, this could turn into a hostile takeover. Between Bill Gates and the Atlantic Fleet, that could turn out to be very ugly. Remember, we've beaten you once before and later saved your ass in that sequel to World War I. So, you should feel both fearful and grateful.

Please call if you have any questions. I look forward to hearing from you shortly.

Sincerely,

William Jefferson Clinton
President, United States of America