.

Celtic pirate dreams
Stories, Dreams and Nonsense
Music from Joe's Garage by Frank Zappa

Last updated on Saturday, June 28, 2008

 

In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell." And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very
powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

And this is how shit happens.

Back to Top

Virus Alert: Free Money!!!

There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet. If you receive an e-mail message with the subject line "Free Money," DO NOT read the message. DELETE it immediately, UNPLUG your computer, then BURN IT to ASHES in a government-approved toxic waste disposal INCINERATOR.

Once a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE. Your computer will begin to emit a vile ODOR. Then it will secrete a foul, milky DISCHARGE. Verily, it shall SCREECH with the tortured, monitor-shattering SCREAM of 1,000 hell-scorched souls, drawing unwanted attention to your cubicle from co-workers and supervisors alike. After violently ripping itself from the wall, your computer will punch through your office window as it STREAKS into the night, HOWLING like a BANSHEE. Once free, it will spend the rest of its days CRUSHING household PETS and MOCKING the POPE.

Some filthy, disgusting miscreant... some no-good, low-down, good-for-nothing DIRTY SNAKE, in twisted pursuit of his own sadistic dreams, is sending this virus across the Net via an e-mail entitled "Free Money." What is so terrifying about this virus is that you do not even to have to open the e-mail for it to activate. In fact, you do not even need to RECEIVE the e-mail. You do not even need to OWN a COMPUTER. "Free Money" can infect even minor HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES.

How it does this with straight ASCII code is, franky, a matter of some debate... but BELIEVE YOU US, if this weren't a SERIOUS situation, WE WOULDN'T BE DISCUSSING IT IN 'ALL CAPS'.

So for the LOVE OF GOD, forward this e-mail to all those you claim to care about, all those you purport to love. Don't do it later! Do it NOW! Now! Now! NOW! NOW! NOW!

Attachment converted: deathlab:free_money_virus.sea (VIRUS/VRS) 0003D961 Content-Type: virus/sea; name="Free_Money_Virus" (SUCKER/SKR) (SRC:WTBR) Auto-Infect: enabled.
Back to Top

US Plans to Deploy Over 75,000 Vowels:
Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients.

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words.

The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour." The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Movement by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities. Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.

"My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please." Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."

If the initial airlift is successful, Clinton said the United States will go ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with C-130's airdropping thousands more letters over every area of Bosnia. Other nations are expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British "A's" and 6,500 Canadian "U's." Japan, rich in A's and O's, was asked to participate, but declined. "With these valuable letters, the people of war-ravaged Bosnia will be able to make some terrific new words," Clinton said. "It should be very exciting for them, and much easier for us to read their maps."

Linguists praise the US's decision to send the vowels. For decades they have struggled with the hard consonants and difficult pronunciation of most Slavic words. "Vowels are crucial to construction of all language," Baylor University linguist Noam Frankel said. "Without them, it would be difficult to utter a single word, much less organize a coherent sentence. Please, just don't get me started on the moon-man languages they use in those Eastern European countries..." According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have vowels, they will be able to construct such valuable sentences as: "The potatoes are ready"; "I believe it will rain"; and "All my children are dead from the war"

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and horded by violent, gun-toting warlords.

Back to Top

GOLF GENIE

A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf, and about to tee on the third hole lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.

The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself." the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

To which she responded, "Three years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she replied, "31 years old"

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie stuff?"
Back to Top

GOOD NEWS AND, WELL, OTHER NEWS

God decided to end the world. He also decided to call the world leaders to Heaven to tell them about it. So to His heavenly abide He called Bill Clinton,
Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates.

After greeting them, He informed them that He had had it with the situation on earth and was going to destroy it. The three men were to tell the people of
earth to prepare for the end, which would be on Friday.

Each returned to earth and his governing board.

Bill Clinton stood before his cabinet and announced, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there IS a God. The bad news is that He is unhappy with us on this earth and is going to destroy it this Friday."

Boris Yeltsin said to his cabinet, "I have bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that there IS a God. The worse news is that He is unhappy with the earth and will destroy it this coming Friday."

In the company of his board, Bill Gates said to them all. "I have some great news and some Fantastic news. The great news is that God thinks that I am one
of the three most powerful men in the world. The FANTASTIC news is that we don't have to fix Windows 95!"
Back to Top

GATES OF HEAVEN

Three men stand before St Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admin 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So St Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. But the last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole - he landed in these bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into thebedroom and shot myself."

St Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried pull myself up again, but he comes out with this hammer and smashes my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in these bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last - the last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

Back to Top

1) Romance
By George Orwell

When I was young and had no sense
In far-off Mandalay
I lost my heart to a Burmese girl
As lovely as the day.


Her skin was gold, her hair was jet,
Her teeth were ivory;
I said, "For twenty silver pieces,
Maiden, sleep with me."

She looked at me, so pure, so sad,
The loveliest thing alive,
And in her lisping, virgin voice,
[Held] out for twenty-five.

- - - - - - - - - -

2) O What a Luxury
By Garrison Keillor

O what a luxury it be
how exquisite, what perfect bliss
so ordinary and yet chic
to pee to piss to take a leak

To feel your bladder just go free
and open up the Might Miss
and all your cares float down the creek
to pee to piss to take a leak

For gentlemen of great physique
who can hold water for one week
for ladies who one-quarter cup of tea
can fill completely up
for folks in urinalysis
for Viennese and Greek and Swiss
for little kids just learning this
for everyone it's pretty great
to urinate

Of course for men it's much more grand
women sit or squat
we stand
and hold the fellow in our hand
and proudly watch the mighty arc
adjust the range and make our mark
on stones or posts for rival men
to smell and not come back again

Women are so circumspect
but men can piss to great effect,
with terrible hydraulic force
can make a stream or change its course
can put out fires or cigarettes
and sometimes
laying down our bets
late at night outside the bars
we like to aim up at the stars.

Back to Top

WHAT IS BLUES?
by Edward Liu
©1994, so don't even think about it, buddy

Three blues ain't's:

* Blues ain't just about being sad

* Blues ain't just a musical form (I-IV-V chords, pentatonic scales,
blah blah blah)

* Blues ain't got a 3rd "ain't"

Muddy Waters and Howlin' Wolf are blues. Big Bill Broonzy is blues. Robert Johnson, Lonnie Johnson, and probably any other guitar-playing "Johnson" is blues. The same statement can be made of any black man playing guitar named "King" -- B.B. King, Albert King, and Freddie King are all blues. Don King is not blues, but he doesn't play guitar, so the rule still holds.

Eric Clapton IS NOT blues. Dammit.

Buddy Guy is blues. Phil Guy is blues. Phil Collins is not blues. Albert Collins was blues. Fat Albert is not blues, but could be with a name like that. Big Mama Thornton was blues. Li'l Ed Williams is blues, but Robin Williams is not blues. Charles Brown is blues, but Charlie Brown and James Brown are not blues, which is why there is not a "Brown" rule like the "Johnson" and "King" rules. Rufus Thomas is blues, but Dave Thomas is not blues. Anybody with an album on Arhoolie, Alligator, or Yazoo Records is blues. Some people with an album on Atlantic Records are blues, but they may not be getting royalties for it.

Anybody using a stage name with any of the following keywords are blues: "Blind," "Magic," "Guitar," "Sonny," "Junior," "Little," "Big," "Screaming," "Lightning," or the name of a city. This makes "Detroit Junior" doubly-blues and "Luther 'Guitar Jr.' Johnson" triply-blues. Having the word "Blue" in your name doesn't necessarily make you blues, although "Sugar Blue," "Bobby 'Blue' Bland," and B.B. King ("Blues Boy" if you didn't know) are three notable exceptions. People with animal nicknames, like Hound Dog Taylor and Howlin' Wolf, are usually blues, but the Animals and Animal of the Muppets are not blues (though Animal did jam once with Koko Taylor's Blues Machine). Having "blue" in your album name or your song title does not make you blues, period.

Eric Clapton is blues sometimes. Some say he's blues, but that he's not very good at it.

Stevie Ray Vaughan was blues. Sometimes he played rock and sometimes he played other stuff, but he was still blues. The same can be said of Duane Allman and Johnny Winter, except Johnny Winter isn't dead yet. Gary Moore is not blues -- he plays blues sometimes, he has played with 2 blues "King"s, and he has a song called "Still Got the Blues For You," but he is not fundamentally blues. The same statement applies to Jimi Hendrix, even if he does have an album called "Blues."

The following people are not blues: Green Day, Madonna, REM, Whitney Houston, David Lee Roth, Snoop Doggy Dogg, Garth Brooks, Michael Jackson, Walter Cronkite, Zubin Mehta, Julie Andrews, Michael Jordan, Vanilla Ice, Bill Clinton, Pat Boone, and Elvira. The last 5 are not even musicians, if you didn't know, although Bill Clinton will play the saxophone every now and then. From the previous 2 paragraphs, we see that being black does not make you blues, and being white does not make you not blues. Tim Kaihatsu is blues, proving that it's possible to be Asian and blues.

Eric Clapton IS blues. Dammit.

Any band marketed as "Alternative" is not blues. Any song that starts with the words, "Woke up this morning" is blues. Zydeco music isn't really "pure" blues, but it's a hell of a lot of fun. If you listen carefully enough, Ella Fitzgerald and Mozart can be blues -- just not the way you think. Country singers are not blues, no matter how they sing about how their baby left them and even if their songs begin with "Woke up this morning." Elevator music is not blues. (Picture, if you dare, "Hoochie Coochie Man" with no vocals arranged for flute and assorted strings. If you were silly enough to do this, run right out and listen to some Muddy Waters to negate the side-effects.)

The Blues Brothers were not really blues, although one of them is promoting the blues very heavily these days. A harmonica player is generally a good sign of the blues, but that doesn't explain Huey Lewis. Elvis, the Beatles, and Buddy Holly were not blues, but they learned and evolved from the blues. This applies to the Rolling Stones and Fleetwood Mac as well, but they're not in the past tense yet.

Eric Clapton is blues if you want him to be. This statement can apply to just about any artist, except for those listed in paragraph 8.

Finally, BLUES-L is blues. Most of the time.

For more on this topic, check out:  17½ Ways to Blues Singin'

Back to Top Tom's Page Coyner Home Page