Waddya mean "It's here on the list!"?
Updated Thursday, December 27, 2007
- The World's 20 Weirdest Law Cases
- 86 Rules of Boozing
- Nine Grouchoisms
- 27 Strategies of US Armed Forces for Encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations
- 32 Laughs from Employee Performance Evaluations
- The Top Ten Signs You're in Korea
- Kim Jong-Il's Top 17 Titles - "But You Can Call Me Il," Originally from Harper's Magazine, February 2005, Wednesday, November 2, 2005
- 27 Words for the 21st Century
- 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do in the Army - A long list worth sharing
- Top 10 Things You Should Never Say to a Woman During an Argument
- The 18 Principles of Zen Judaism
- The Guys' Rules - All 24 of them and all listed as Number 1
- The 26 Rules of Manhood
- How many North Koreans does it take to change a light bulb? - Pyongyang's Top Ten
- 45 Useless Facts About Dublin
- 37 Jewish Haikus
- Which Paper Do You Read? A description of the the top 10 US newspapers' readership
- Top Ten T-Shirts
- The 19 Facts of Life
- Ten Commandments of Email
- Top 19 Actual Answering Machine Messages
- 20 New Stock Market Terms
- 30 Observations on Golf
- 9 Gender Definitions
- 5 Stages of Drunkenness & 10 Board of Health Warnings
- 10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should
- Bill Clinton's Top 10 Retirement Plans,
- 40 Signs that You've Already Had Too Much of the 21st Century
- 25 Great Quotes to Live By - assuming you have a sense of humor
- Top 14 Things My Mother Taught Me
- 28 Reasons You Know You're Getting 'Marvelously Mature' When...
- 20 Absolute Worse Things to Say to a Police Officer
- 32 Reasons Why Men Should Be Proud
- Top 10 Bulwer-Lytton Contest Winners
- 25 Top Country Music Titles
- 11 Baby Boomer Barbies
- 30 New Definitions Submitted to the Washington Post
- 40 Children's Books That Didn't Make It...
- The Top 17 Big Surprises in CBS' "Jesus" Mini-Series
- 33 Reasons You Know You're an Expat Kid in Asia or Have Been When...
- You Know You're a Deadhead When... (the exhaustive 56- reason list),
- 22 Things I've Learned From My Children
- 18 Discoveries with Age (plus The Senility Prayer),
- The 15 Cardinal Korean Rules for Driving in Seoul, Korea,
- The Top 15 Features of www.Amish.Net,
- 15 Somethings other than Smiley Faces (plus a joke),
- 25 Signs You Are Aging
- 41 Ways to Say "Dumber than Dumb"
- 25 Jock Quotes
- 11 Lessons Not Taught in School
- 19 Norm's greetings on Cheers
- 33 George Carlinisms
- 11 Q&A's for the Wise
- 10 Dallas Cowboy Jokes
- 31 Jewish One Liners
- 11 John-John Down-Down Jokes
- 25 Tips for a Lifetime
- 26 Chinese Proverbs
- 30 Signs You Are no Longer a Kid
- 27 Useful Phrases
- 30 Blonde Jokes
- Top 10 Things that Only Women Understand
- 20 Mae West Quotes
- 16 Ways How to Tell You're In Los Angeles
- 24 Millennia New Speak Terms
- 60 Sayings That Should Be On Buttons
- 25 Rules to Help Men Understand Women
- Aunt Selma's 27 Rules for Jewish Living
- Top 10 Analogies of Men - a Woman's Point of View
- 14 Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's
- 25 Things I Have Learned In 50 Years by Dave Barry
- Top 14 Biblical Ways to Find a Wife
- Rodney Dangerfield's 18 Best One-Liners,
- 11 Dating Terms,
- 31 Signs You Know You're From California
- 252 One Liners - no exaggeration
- 50 Reasons Why It's Great To Be a Guy
- 20 Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
- 36 Lawyer Jokes
- 24 More Things to Think About
- 18 Examples of the Wit and Wisdom of Homer J. Simpson
- 14 Restroom Scrawlings
- 256 Phobias - The Ultimate List from Acarophobia to Zoophobia
- Men's 43 Rules for Women
- 30 Types of People Who Should Be Phased Out - George Carlin's list
- 56 Yogi Berra Quotes
- 14 Anagrams
- 13 Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have learned
- 15 Spam Haiku Poems
- 21 Corporate Things to Do with a Dead Horse
- 15 New Words for the '90's
- 29 Signs You've Been in Corporate America Too Long
- 36 Classic Henny Youngman Quotes
- 18 First Graders' Proverbs
- 17.5 Ways To Sing The Blues
- 58 Aphorisms
- 51 Slightly Less Common Latin Phrases
- Top 12 Reaons Why Prison is Better Than a Full-Time Job
- 42 Bagpipe Jokes
- 18 British Officer Fitness Report Understatements
- Top 18 Signs You Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party
- Bart Simpson's 85 Blackboard Notes
- Top 20 Dumb Questions
- Top 10 States Most Visited by UFOs
- Top 10 Signs You Picked the Wrong Internet Service Provider
- Top 16 Lessons in Management Speak
- Top 10 Events in the Geek Olympics
- Top 20 Propellerhead Music Acts
- Top 3 Reasons Why You Might be an Engineering Major...
- Top 10 Habits of Highly Effective Flamethrowers
- Top 10 Ways to Poise as a Jaded Net Vet
- Top 10 Surf Filters For 1966
- Top 10 Signs You Are a Computer Virus
- Top 10 Reasons Computers Must be Male
- Top 46 Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Women
- Top 11 Reasons How Dogs And Women Are Alike
- Top 4 Reasons How Women Are Better Than Dogs
- Top 10 Songs in The Telecommuters' Hit Parade
- Murphy's Laws of Combat (And High Tech Marketing)
Top 12 Reasons Why Prision Life is Better Than a Full-Time Job
1. In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
2. In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
3. In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
4. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
5. In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
6. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
7. In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
8. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
9. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
10. In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
11. In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
12.In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.
1.
Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
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2.
Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.
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3.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.
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4.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
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5.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.
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6.
Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
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7.
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
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8.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
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9.
Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]
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10.
Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
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11.
Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
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12.
Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.
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13.
Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.
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14.
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
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15.
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
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16.
Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
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17.
Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
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18.
Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
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19.
Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
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20.
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
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21.
Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A bagpiper.
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22.
Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.
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23.
Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.
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24.
Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
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25.
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
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26.
Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
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27.
Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
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28.
Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.
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29.
Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.
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30.
If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end-- it would be a good idea.
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31.
Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A start.
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32.
Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
A. Who cares?
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33.
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
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34.
Q. How late does the bagpipe band play?
A.Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer.
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35.
Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
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36.
Q. What does a bagpiper wear under his kilt?
A. Shoes and socks.
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37.
Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?
A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.
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38.
BAND STRUCTURE OF THE ARGYLL & SUTHERLAND HIGHLANDERS
Drum Major:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Faster than a speeding bullet
More powerful than a locomotive
Walks on Water
Talks to God
Pipers:
Leaps small buildings with a run-up
Is a crack shot
Pulls railway carriages
Fords rivers
Listens to god
Side Drummers:
Vaults over fences
Is allowed his own sidearm
Can read a railway timetable
Knows how to put on fishing gollashes
Believes in God
Tenor Drummers:
Can open and walk through a door
Knows which is the dangerous end of a gun
Has his own train set
Wears Wellington boots
Talks to himself
Bass Drummers:
Trips over matchsticks
Is NEVER allowed near firearms
Says "Look at CHOO-CHOO"
Plays in puddles
Nobody listens to him
and finally.
THE PIPE MAJOR:
Lifts tall buildings and walks underneath them
Catches bullets in his teeth and chews them
Kicks locomotives off their tracks
Drinks entire oceans
He IS GOD!!!!
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39.
Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.
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40.
Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"
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41.
Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.
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42.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpiper and a frog?
A. The frog might be getting a gig. (Some South Florida Humor)
The Top 18 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party
18. By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick.
17. Clown car must be started with breathalyzer device.
16. Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"
15. References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds.
14. Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.
13. Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.
12. Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.
11. Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.
10. Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint."
9. Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.
8. Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"
7. More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.
6. Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit.
5. A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.
4. Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."
3. Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..."
2. Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world."and the Number 1 Sign You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party...
1. All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
18 BRITISH OFFICER FITNESS REPORT UNDERSTATEMENTS
The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
1- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
2- I would not breed from this Officer.
3- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
4- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
5- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
6- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
7- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
8- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
9- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
10- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
11- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
12- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
13- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
14- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
15- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.16- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
17- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
18- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
BART SIMPSON'S 85 BLACKBOARD NOTES
These are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the chalkboard exercises during the opening credits:
1. I will not carve gods.
2. I will not spank others.
3. I will not aim for the head.
4. I will not barf unless I'm sick
5. I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
6. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
7. I will not conduct my own fire drills.
8. Funny noises are not funny.
9. I will not snap bras.
10. I will not fake seizures.
11. This punishment is not boring and pointless.
12. My name is not Dr. Death.
13. I will not defame New Orleans.
14. I will not prescribe medication.
15. I will not bury the new kid.
16, I will not teach others to fly.
17. I will not bring sheep to class.
18. A burp is not an answer.
19. Teacher is not a leper.
20. Coffee is not for kids.
21. I will not eat things for money.
22. I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
23. The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
24. I will not call the principal "spud head".
25. Goldfish don't bounce.
26. Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
27. No one is interested in my underpants.
28. I will not sell miracle cures.
29. I will return the seeing-eye dog.
30. I do not have diplomatic immunity.
31. I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
32. I will never win an Emmy.
33. The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
34. All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
35. I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
36. I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
37. My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
38. I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
39. I am not deliciously saucy.
40. Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
41. The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
42. I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
43. There are plenty of businesses like show business.
44. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
45. I will not waste chalk.
46. I will not skateboard in the halls.
47. I will not instigate revolution.
48. I will not draw naked ladies in class.
49. I did not see Elvis.
50. I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
51. Garlic gum is not funny.
52. They are laughing at me, not with me.
53. I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
54. I will not encourage others to fly.
55. I will not fake my way through life.
56. Tar is not a plaything.
57. I will not Xerox my butt.
58. It's potato, not potatoe.
59. I will not trade pants with others.
60. I am not a 32 year old woman.
61. I will not do that thing with my tongue.
62. I will not drive the principal's car.
63. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
64. I will not sell school property.
65. I will not burp in class.
66. I will not cut corners.
67. I will not get very far with this attitude.
68. I will not belch the National Anthem.
69. I will not sell land in Florida.
70. I will not grease the monkey bars.
71. I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
72. I will not do anything bad ever again.
73. I will not show off.
74. I will not sleep through my education.
75. I am not a dentist.
76. Spitwads are not free speech.
77. Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
78. High explosives and school don't mix.
79. I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
80. I will not squeak chalk.
81. I will finish what I sta
82. "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
83. Underwear should be worn on the inside.
84. The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
85. I will not torment the emotionally frail.
1) Why do they sterilize the needles they use for lethal injections?
2) How do you KNOW it's new & improved dog food?
3) Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores?
4) What do they use to ship styrofoam?
5) Why do they call it rush hour when everything moves so slow?
6) Why is abreviation such a long word?
7) If sour milk is used to make yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad?
8) Why do they put an expiry date on sour cream?
9) Why do we PARK on DRIVEways and DRIVE on PARKways?
10) Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
11) How do you know when your bagpipe needs tuning?
12) Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns 'cause they taste funny?
13) If the front of your vehicle says DODGE, do you really need a horn?
14) what do sheep count when they can't sleep at night?
15) If you choke a smurf, what colour does he turn?
16) Does fuzzy logic tickle when you think about it?
17) Do blind eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
18) What would we have called the colour orange if it wasn't a fruit?
19) Do they have reserved spots near the entrances for non-handicap cars at the Special Olymipcs?
20) Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
TOP TEN STATES VISITED BY UNIDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECTS
This is the countdown by state and number of UFOs as recorded in 1995 by the good folks at The National UFO Reporting Center in Seattle, Washington.1. Washington (218)
2. California (141)
3. Oregon (59)
4. Michigan (31)
5. Florida (29)
6. Illinois (24)
7. Pennsylvania (23)
8. Arizona (22)
9. Tennessee (21)
10. New York (20)
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER
There are two ways to tell whether your Internet service provider is up to par. First is to check here to see how CNET members have rated their ISPs. The other is to see how many matches you can find between your provider and this top ten list. If the number of matches is greater than zero, find a new ISP--pronto.10. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.
9. You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
8. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shackin the woods.
7. Their proud boast: "We've been on the Internet since it was CB radio."
6. Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway" in the same sentence
5. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, email, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks "Would you like fries with that?"
4. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."
3. "Access speeds up to 9,600 bps in most areas."
2. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.
1. They charge by the word.
TOP SIXTEEN LESSONS IN MANAGEMENT SPEAK
1. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Value-added.
TRANSLATION: Expensive.
2. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's a good question.
TRANSLATION: I don't have a good answer.
3. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You have to show some flexibility.
TRANSLATION: You have to do it whether you want to or not.
4. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You just don't understand our business.
TRANSLATION: We don't understand our business.
5. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: My mind is made up. I am adamant on the subject. There is no room for discussion. But if you do want to discuss it further, my door is always open.
TRANSLATION: &%^$ you.
6. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't totally disagree with you.
TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care.
7. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We want to deliver a quality product.
TRANSLATION: The product will be late and over budget.
8. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: The system has to be flexible.
TRANSLATION: We don't know what the hell we want.
9. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We're going to follow a strict methodology here.
TRANSLATION: We're going to do it my way.
10. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Human Resources.
TRANSLATION: A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks.
11. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Empower (verb)
TRANSLATION: Freely blame your subordinates for your problems.
12. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'd like your buy-in on this.
TRANSLATION: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.
13. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You need to see the big picture.
TRANSLATION: My boss thinks it's a good idea.
14. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees.
TRANSLATION: The upcoming reductions will benefit me.
15. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't disagree.
TRANSLATION: I disagree.
16. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'm not saying no, but I'm certainly not saying yes.
TRANSLATION: No.
TOP TOP TEN EVENTS IN THE GEEK OLYMPICS
10. Men's weightlifting: benchmark press
9. 100-meter freeware swimming
8. 400-meter backup stroke swimming
7. Floppy discus
6. Asynchronized streaming
5. DEC-athlon
4. Upgrade hurdle
3. Tech support relay
2. TCP/IP configuration marathon
1. High-tech stock diving
TOP TWENTY PROPELLERHEAD MUSIC ACTS
20. Gladys Knight and the PIFs
19. Alanis Morediskettes
18. 10,000 Eniacs
17. The Rolling Clones
16. Soundcarden
15. (Missing! Your pun here!)
14. The Scanberries
13. Cooli/o
12. Kenny G:\
11. LAN Halen
10. Sonny and Cherware
9. Adam and the ANSI
8. Macdonna
7. The Hex Pistols
6. Net King Cole
5. MSN, Lake, and Palmer
4. R.A.M.
3. The Telnet Underground
2. Perl Jam
1. Snoop Dossy-DOS
YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEERING MAJOR...
1. If you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
2.
If you enjoy pain. 3. If you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
TOP TEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE FLAMETHROWERS
With scant apologies to Virginia Shea, whose book "Netiquette" defines proper Net behavior, here are the rules of reverse Netiquette, presented for those of you who wish to flame properly. Believe us, given the commentary he's received about Apple, Microsoft, OS/2, and joblessness, our top ten author really knows what he's talking about...
Rule 10: Never forget that the person reading your mail is a person, with feelings that can be hurt. If you see the opportunity, hurt them
Rule 9: Behave online as you do in real life. This way, you can act like a total jerk under all circumstances.
Rule 8: Lurk until you get a feel for what's acceptable in a particular forum or news group. Then leap in and do the opposite.
Rule 7: Be aware of others' time and band width. Never post anything shorter than seven paragraphs. Ensure your sig is at least a screen long.
Rule 6: Make yourself look good online--always post your abuse in complete, grammatically correct sentences.
Rule 5: Share expert knowledge. If you know how to push someone's buttons in a forum, send private e-mail to everyone else telling them.
Rule 4: Help keep flame wars under control: lead the charge.
Rule 3: Respect other people's privacy...if you have some dirt about a member of a news group, spread it only via private e-mail.
Rule 2: Don't abuse your power. Flame only those who disagree with you.
Rule 1: Remember: You were a network newbie once, too. You deserved all the flaming you got then. The current batch deserves no less.
TOP TEN WAYS TO POISE AS A JADED NET VET
The Web makes outsiders of us all--or at least we all feel that way from time to time. It's that darn lingo. What's blase to say, what's not? Is "cool" cool? Is "hot" not? Here's a lexicon to the terms o' the day. Clip and save...
10. When referring to browsers, use the preferred spellings "Netscrape" and "Internet Exploder." (You, of course, use Lynx.)
9. You're male? Call yourself d00d. Female? Grrl.
8. Refer to on line services only when you absolutely have to, and when you do, use these preferred spellings: America OnHold, Plodigy, Compu$erve, and Microsoft Notwork.
7. If you use the term "digerati," make it clear you are being ironic.
6. Change your sig to read "I have Neiman-Marcus cookie recipes."
5. Change your alternative sig to read: "Of course, Mondo 2000 did it first."
4. Want to change your sig? Never use one you've seen somewhere else.
3. Spell the word "cool" k-e-w-l.
2. Spell the word "kewl" k-0-0-l with two zeroes.
1. Avoid discussions about the relative merits of the MacOS, Windows, and OS/2. Just mention casually that if it doesn't grep, it's not a real computer.
Remember: you don't need to understand any of this. Nobody else will either. After all, just like a nightclub, the Net is full of poseurs.
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<TOP TEN SURF FILTERS FOR 1966
10. X-Patrol. Protects you from ultra-hip Web sites with incomprehensible organization and navigational controls.
9. BackAtcha. Bookmarks top porn sites and filters out all wholesome do-gooder sites.
8. WatchWinner. This Redmond, Washington-based shareware program filters out all sites not running on an NT-based server.
7. TurnBackTheClock. Popular with scientists, this filter blocks out all Web, FTP and Gopher sites established after 1989.
6. ShockSlave. Employees caught viewing porn or playing violent online games receive an electric shock via the keyboard.
5. PCPC. Politically correct filter shields you from agist, racist, sexist and patriarchal sites, plus anything remotely resembling humor.
4. InAmericaNow. Pat Buchanan's giveaway protects you from sites with less than 100 percent English text.
3. SleepyTime. Blocks all sites except especially boring Fortune 500 ghost sites.
2. BubbaBlimboBasher. This official White House filter screens out sites established by people alleging to have slept with the President.
1. Terminator. Given away by Dole for President campaign, Terminator blocks porn and other "elitist" sites, but provides bookmarks to top AK-47 shopping sites.
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TOP TEN REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
TOP TEN SONGS IN THE TELECOMMUTERS' HIT PARADE
10. Go Telnet on the Mountain (Mahalia Jackson)
9. In Your Room (Depeche Modem)
8. Dial-In Nikki (Prince and the Revolution)
7. Baud in the U.S.A. (Bruce Springsteen)
6. Ping for your Supper (Lawrence Welk or The Mamas and the Papas)
5. Purple Hayes (Jimi Hendrix Experience)
4. Please, Mr. Postman (Little Eva)
3. Federal Express Yourself (Madonna)
2. Hangin' on the Telephone (Blondie)
1. I'm SOHO Tired (The Beatles)
<MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT (AND HIGH TECH MARKETING)
1 . If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2 . Incoming fire has the right of way.
3 . Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. There is always a way.
5. The easy way is always mined.
6. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.
7. Professionals are predictable; it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attracks on two occasions:
a. when you're ready for them;
b. when you're not ready for them.9. Teamwork is essential; it gives them someone else to shoot at.
10. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
14. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
16. Make it thought enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a compat zone.
19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
21. Nothing's more accurate than friendly fire.
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
1. Dogs don't cry.
2. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
3. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
4. Dogs think you sing great.
5. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
6. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
7. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
8. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
9. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
10. Dogs are excited by rough play.
11. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
12. Dogs understand that farts are funny.
13. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
14. Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
15. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
16. Dogs don't shop.
17. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
18. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
19. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
20. A dog's parents never visit.
21. Dogs love long car trips.
22. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
23. Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
24. When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
25. Dogs like beer.
26. Dogs don't hate their bodies.
27. No dog ever bought a Kenny G album.
28. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
29. Dogs never criticize.
30. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
31. Dogs never expect gifts.
32. It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
33. Dogs don't worry about germs.
34. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
35. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
36. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
37. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
38. You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
39. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
40. Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
41. Dogs never want foot-rubs.
42. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
43. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
44. Dogs can't talk.
45. Dogs aren't catty.
46. Dogs seldom outlive you.
HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE
1. Both look stupid in hats.
2. Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
3. Both tend to have "hip" problems.
4. Neither understand football.
5. Both look good in a fur coat.
6. Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
7. Neither believe that silence is golden.
8. Both constantly want back rubs.
9. Neither can balance a checkbook.
10. You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
11. Both put too much value on kissing.
HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS
1. It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
2. Women look good in sweaters.
3. Women leave the room to fart.
4. Women don't shit on the floor.
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU'RE A COMPUTER VIRUS
The horror! The horror! Of all the nightmares of Windows 95 user, the most frightening would be Kafka-esque: to wake up one morning and discover you've been transformed into the most hated of all computer software...a virus. Here are a few uncovered a few telltale signs that you've suffered this fate...
10. Only sociopaths think you're cool.
9. Sandra Bullock is fascinated by you...and you know it's nothing to do with your looks or personality.
8. Till he met you, Dr. Solomon was wondering what to do with his life.
7. You were expelled from school for replicating in the locker room.
6. When someone says the word "McAfee," you recoil in horror.
5. You had a DNA test...and it consists of zeroes and ones.
4. You walk into a room and people shout, "Eeek! A computer virus!"
3. You work only one day a year, and (whaddayaknow?) it's on Michelangelo's birthday.
2. Whenever you hear someone quoting the Microsoft slogan, "Where do you want to go today?" you reply, "Straight to the boot sector!"
1. You're sick, sick, sick.
