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Tall Tales WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call the "other side!" Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the "other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told.
Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross the road without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx:
It was a historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Ronald Reagan:
What chicken?
Ken Starr:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the President's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates full with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any congressional follow-up investigations have been completed.
Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken?" Could you define "chicken" please?
Captain Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Freud:
The fact that you are at all concerned with that the chicken cross the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates:
I have just released Chicken2000, which will not only cross the road, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of Chicken2000.
Einstein:
Did the chicken cross the road, or did the road move under the chicken?
Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was great rejoicing.
George Bush, Jr.:
It has been established that the chicken did cross the road. The chicken has had fair access to the judicial appeal system of the great state of Texas, and now it must suffer the consequences. It is not within my power as governor to grant said chicken a reprieve. And I hope that the damn thing doesn't run around in circles afterward! (Aside to the kitchen ... "Not too much seasoning, you idiot!")
Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?Douglas Adams:
Forty-two.Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.Buddah:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.Howard Cosell:
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.Salvador Dali:
The Fish.Darwin:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.Jacques Derrida:
Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpertation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.Emily Dickinson:
Because it could not stop for death.Epicurus:
For fun.Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.Johann Friedrich von Goethe:
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.Werner Heisenberg:
We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.Hippocrates:
Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.David Hume:
Out of custom and habit.Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross road at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.Machiavelli:
So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross theroad, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.Jack Nicholson:
'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censord) reason.Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.Oliver North:
National Security was at stake.Plato:
For the greater good.Pyrroh the Skeptic:
What road?Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.William Shakespeare:
To cross, or not to cross? THAT is the question.....B.F. Skinner:
Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.The Sphinx:
You tell me.John Sununu:
The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.Mr. T:
If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!Henry David Thoreau:
To live deliberately.... and suck all the marrow out of life.Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten miutes with the chicken and I'll find out.Ludwig Wittgenstein:
The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects 'chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential ccurrence.Molly Yard:
It was a hen!Zeno of Elea:
To prove it could never reach the other side.
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